I am a big music fan and also a fan of Erotica Lit. So I wrote this many years ago and it still surprises me how many times this piece is requested. It is a mockery of a Penthouse Forum letter but its funny!
I have always been a fan of your magazine and love to read the letters but never have I had an experience to actually write one.
Now I have…
I am a musician and have been working real hard with the band to
finish the next album. We experienced a setback when our guitar
player Mike got violently ill over a bad Hot Tuna sandwich and Peter
and Davy took him to the hospital. This left me alone in the studio.
It was late in the evening so I decided to pack it up and go home
until I heard a knock outside of the recording booth. I opened the
door and to my surprise was the producer’s daughter Alice. She was
quite the Violent Femme. Wearing a short Belly shirt and tight black
leather pants, she looked hot. Her LA Guns were astounding.
She had asked where the band was and I told her they left and we were
all alone. I could feel my Cranberries tighten and my Tool rise. I
asked her if she needed a slow ride home and she said sure but not
until I show her how to do a drum roll.
We headed over to the kit and she sat down on the stool while
grabbing a couple of drum sticks from the bag. I got behind her and
showed her the move by guiding her arms and hands on the snare. Her
hair smelled like Guns and Roses. It was beautiful. After she was
through, she turned around and saw something resembling a microphone
stand in my pants. Rouge lips became wet with Saliva as she rose and
gave me a Kiss. She took off her shirt and exposed the most Smashing
Pumpkins I had ever seen. A Quiet Riot began in my pants and my mind
filled with Social Distortion.
I held her Queens of the Stoneage in my hands and I felt Nirvana. I
had to get her pants off and put my SlipKnot into her Hole before I
was going to explode. Her pants eventually came off and revealed A
Perfect Circle. We got down on the carpet and quickly I entered her
Her Iron Maiden was wet with STP and my Korn on the cob felt like an
Iggy Pop. I was moving a little slow for her taste so she
yelled, “Faster Pussycat”. It didn’t take long before my Slayer
erupted but not before I pulled out. My Twisted Sister exploded Pearl
Jam all over her Candlebox. I was spent from the excitement and
quickly my Black Sabbath became a Led Zeppelin with my Rolling Stones
aching. She rolled over and I gave her a little Godsmack on the
behind. We both got up and put our clothes on.
Before we left the studio, she smiled and gave me a kiss “You should
come over to my place sometime. I have a dungeon we can play in.” She
said with a wink.
I said, “Definitely! There would be nothing better than to see my
Alice in Chains….It’s a date…!”